thanks bathtub

There are so many things
I could be doing right now
but I’m spending my evening
playing Minecraft with my friends
and this is
exactly where I want to be.

progress

I’ve been trying to take it
one step at a time
in the right direction
and without realising
I have started running
towards the me
that I want to be.

happy birthday to my abuser

TRIGGER WARNING – ABUSE

Happy birthday, love.
I hope you’re well.

Wait,
no,
I hope you rot.

Your 17th birthday was
the first time you really hurt me,
the first time I had to hide a black eye
and chipped tooth.
Do you remember why?
I do.
I bought you shoes in teal instead of blue.

Your 18th birthday was
A-level results day.
I found out I was going
to my first choice university!
…you did not.
You blamed it on me,
for distracting you but
at least we were going to the same university now,
because my first choice
was your back up.

(me and my therapist have since decided
you failed the exams on purpose
so I couldn’t get away from you)

Your 19th birthday,
I was in London
trying desperately to forget you,
seeing as you said we were done
a few weeks prior
at our best friend’s funeral.
Turns out you didn’t mean it,
and you made me pay for
“cheating”.

Your 20th birthday
I travelled down from Newcastle to see you,
but my train was late
so you raped me in the back of the car
in the station car park
because I kept you waiting
and in that moment
I envied the person
who had jumped on the tracks
and got hit by a train
and delayed the rail system.

Your 21st birthday
and I had escaped you
and I spent the day
locked in my room crying
because I was so scared
you would still find me.

You’re 23 today.
No one likes you when you’re 23.

adventures in therapy – part 6

Why do I think I don’t deserve love?

Because what have I actually done
to deserve it?
I am not particularly kind,
I am stubborn and selfish
and sometimes I am just downright rude.
I haven’t done anything
that would make me worthy of love
in my own eyes
so why should I expect anyone else to?

Amy gives me that look,
a look that I learned means
“keep going”.
But I can’t keep going.
My answers end there
and I realise how daft I’ve been.

making my own luck

I joke a lot about being bad luck,
about being cursed,
but truth be told
I call these unfortunate events
upon myself
through my own stupidity.
I promised a friend
that I would stop self-harming,
and until now
I thought that was a rare promise
that I had managed to keep.
But self-harming doesn’t necessarily mean
the physical act of taking knife to skin;
it is endangering myself
for no good reason
other than to be a nuisance.
Every time I push myself outside what
my doctor has allowed me to do,
every time I let myself get dehydrated,
every time I beat myself up
with horrible words,
every time I push away people
who just want to help
I am breaking that promise.
I know I need to start taking my health
a little more seriously
so I’m adding this
to the promise I made.

thanks bojack horseman

“I don’t know how you can expect
anyone else to love you
when you so clearly hate yourself.”

I am stuck in bed,
in pain beyond description
with Netflix as my one source of distraction
when this line hits me
alongside the realisation.
I want to be loved
because I believe it would make me
feel better
but at the same time,
I don’t feel like I deserve love
so gravitate to those who hurt me –
accidentally and intentionally,
because that is the love
that I know how to process.