day 100

One hundred days since I started writing.
How much has changed in one hundred days?

One hundred days ago,
I was working in a job that made me miserable,
I was in a relationship that wasn’t making me happy and I didn’t know what to do about it,
I was relatively healthy –
or at least I didn’t know how sick I was.

Now I am in a new job,
and I am struggling but I leave each day happy.
I left that relationship and discovered my propensity for cruelty
and my complete lack of empathy.
I started chemotherapy and had an ovary removed
and I have come to terms with the fact
that nothing will go back to how it was
and that’s okay.

One hundred days ago,
I decided to stop screaming into the void
and start whispering into a crowded room.

I learned to be my own summer.

how is it almost september tho

Time just keeps passing me by.
I blink and it’s almost September.
I keep beating myself up at work
because I feel like I’ve been there forever
and I keep making mistakes
and I should be better by now
but I need to remember
I have only worked here for two months.
I’m not expected to know everything yet.
Time is plodding along endlessly
and I don’t know if I’m
managing to keep up
or not anymore.

moving clocks run slow

For the last three and a half months
I have been reluctant to plan anything
in the future
because the future felt so uncertain.
Will I be well enough?
Will I even still be here?
The future felt overwhelming
so I hid away from it
and tried to live in the present –
and ended up fixating on the past.
But this is keeping me stuck
drifting aimlessly
when I need to keep moving forwards
so here I am,
making plans for November
in a promise to myself
to keep going.