Give up on me.
No, I don’t mean that in a
“please don’t leave me” way.
I mean it in a
“you’re only hurting
yourself at this point
so please have a little bit of
and just stop trying” way.
“I don’t know how you can expect
anyone else to love you
when you so clearly hate yourself.”
I am stuck in bed,
in pain beyond description
with Netflix as my one source of distraction
when this line hits me
alongside the realisation.
I want to be loved
because I believe it would make me
but at the same time,
I don’t feel like I deserve love
so gravitate to those who hurt me –
accidentally and intentionally,
because that is the love
that I know how to process.
If there is one conversation
that I could remove from my everyday life,
it would be diet talk.
“Oh, I need to lose weight!”
Do you need to?
Or do you feel like you have to
because that is what all the signs are telling you?
Food does not have any inherent moral value;
food has no concept of Good or Bad.
You are not “naughty”
for eating that slice of cake;
you are simply hungry
and craving cake
Food is made out to be “sinful”,
and then people wonder why our teenagers
and young adults
are suffering with eating disorders
when they are all but taught
that they should feel guilty for eating.
In a world that is constantly telling you
to shrink yourself down,
that if you’re not skinny,
you don’t deserve comfort;
in a society that determines your worth
by the coins you have
or the pounds you lose,
the most radical thing you can do
is love yourself,
exactly as you are.
At some point recently,
the switch flipped
and everything illuminated.
It hit me as I was driving home;
I have cut away the toxicity
and now only good remains in my life.
My worth is no longer determined
by opinions of those around me,
and now I value the time in my hands
and I know I am already in heaven.
I glanced in the rear-view mirror
I am smart
I am funny
I am dependable
I can do anything I want
as long as I put my mind to it.
I trust myself to do right
and I will hold myself
through everything to come.
I am so worthy of love
and I cannot believe
how blind I have been.
It feels like a crushing weight
has been lifted from my shoulders,
the rain has passed
and the sun is shining
and I am going to grow.
I have taken a step towards
being the me
that those who love me
see me as.
– thank you to LOOΠΔ yyxy for making me realise self-love is the best love
Self-care has never been a strength of mine.
Self-love is even worse
(unless you count sleepless nights with hands under the covers and a name on my lips).
I have always tried to put everyone else first
because it is easier to deal with their problems
than face my own.
I never want to be an inconvenience,
a burden for someone else to bear
so I keep my thoughts to myself.
I would bend over backwards,
snap my spine in two
to make it easier for you to walk over me.
I would bleed myself dry for those I love –
rip out my hair and fingernails and teeth
one by one
just so I could give you everything
and thank you for the privilege
and apologise for dirtying your shoes in the process.
– for those who let me burn myself at both ends