day 100

One hundred days since I started writing.
How much has changed in one hundred days?

One hundred days ago,
I was working in a job that made me miserable,
I was in a relationship that wasn’t making me happy and I didn’t know what to do about it,
I was relatively healthy –
or at least I didn’t know how sick I was.

Now I am in a new job,
and I am struggling but I leave each day happy.
I left that relationship and discovered my propensity for cruelty
and my complete lack of empathy.
I started chemotherapy and had an ovary removed
and I have come to terms with the fact
that nothing will go back to how it was
and that’s okay.

One hundred days ago,
I decided to stop screaming into the void
and start whispering into a crowded room.

I learned to be my own summer.

watch your words

My boss pulled me to one side
to talk about some things
she had overheard.
She wanted me to know that
she was there if I needed to talk
about anything;
work or otherwise.
She tells me that
I need to be careful
who I say things in front of
because she’s concerned
I might upset people
and she doesn’t want me to get in trouble.
I try and bite my tongue
but every morning when my colleagues ask
“how are you today, Less?”
my mouth fills with acid
and I want to claw my throat out
because I don’t know how to answer
while staying in my authority
to not tell anyone what’s going on.

it’s been a long day

Step one in my new life:
starting my new job.
I arrived half an hour early
(because on time is late)
dressed in my smartest clothes
and a cheery expression painted on my face.
In my brand new bag
is a brand new pencil case
filled with brand new stationery
which makes me think of the first day of a new school year
but worse,
because school couldn’t fire you.

“What were you most concerned about?”,
my desk buddy asks.
I fiddle with my lanyard
and security pass
and look around the room for an acceptable answer.
I notice her unicorn mug
and crocheted duck
tucked under her monitor.
“I don’t know,
I suppose I was nervous
that everyone was going to be
a bit stuffy and formal.”
She laughs heartily,
pulling smiles from those around us.
A gentle peace washes over me
and I get the feeling
I’m going to like it here.