It was meant to be the day.
I was going to step foot
in the city it all happened,
the city where my heart
and bones
and spirit
was broken.
I was going to summon all my courage,
knowing Rosie was going to be there
and I was going to take back the location
that haunts my most buried memories
because no one gets
to hurt me like that any more.
I tried to hold my nerve
but the panic won
as I walked down the station platform
so I turned and walked away.
I could not make the journey.
But that’s okay –
the city will always be waiting
and with time I will get there.

I still stepped out into the world,
to a different city,
still tainted with his shadow
but with memories
before and after he came into my life.
I was outside, and yet
I still feel separated from everything.
So much hustle and bustle and
so many people going about their lives
and yet I am still
so far removed from it all.
I took vigil
tucked against the wall,
being knocked about
by everyone far busier than me.
I am here without much purpose,
a ghost
occupying the smallest fragment of space possible.
One day I’ll be a bigger presence,
but not right now.
I will keep myself quiet
and watch the world tick by
for a little while longer,
but I will keep one foot in the door
ready to join in.