adventures in therapy part 5

“So,
those core beliefs –
that you don’t deserve love –
where do they come from?”

As much as I want bite back with a
“isn’t it your job to tell me that”,
I decide to bite my tongue
and take a deep breath
and start talking.

I guess it starts with my childhood.
I always felt inferior
compared to my brother.
I love my brother
more than anything else
but he is so perfect
and I am just not.
He deserves the love
and celebration
and praise –
not me.
I would never take that away from him.

But I know my brother will always love me
and that is enough.

hysterectomy

So small.
Baby clothes are so small.
Tiny socks and shoes and
dungarees and sleep suits,
waiting for a tiny human.
I walk up and down the aisles
with my mother
as she coos and giggles
and reminisces about
the time I was small enough
to be dressed in these outfits.
I try to smile
and join in the excitement
because new life is
something to be excited about!
But all I can think
is about the three
I failed to carry myself
and that I will never carry one again.

a clean sheet

a blank sheet of paper
sits before me.
it begs me to fill it
with words of love
and joy and life.
it pleads with me to fill it
with sadness and anxiety
and that spot of negativity
festering inside me.
but i have no words left.
the page stays blank
i stay empty

2014

I found pictures
of you and me
from a different time.
You looked so happy.
Me?
Not so much.
The hollow smile,
the shadow of a black eye…

I do not like these pictures,
but I no longer want to die
when I see them.

I will still burn them though.

doing is not coping

just because i get up
and go to work every day
does not mean i am coping
just because i laugh
and smile and make jokes
does not mean i am coping
just because i am making
plans for the future
does not mean i am coping
i am so tired
from dragging myself about
and ignoring the cancer
that is growing inside me
while i try and maintain
the routine and normality
that is keeping me tethered to this world
when i just want to
disappear